Good news everybody! The United Nations have released a report basically confirming that Climate Change is really really really real. The report suggests we might be okay as long as we quickly stop polluting and as long as we quickly create and implement technical innovations to reverse the amount of carbon being pumped into the atmosphere. Awesome! I'm glad that's sorted then. Similarly, I will be financially fine as long as I trip over a big bag of money. What a relief!
The Green Party’s leader Caroline Lucas was on Radio 4 debating with some academic Johnny.
Lucas: "We need to mitigate and adapt."
Johnny: "You mean SHRINK THE ECONOMY???"
Lucas: "Well, there’s ...lots of green jobs that can be created."
Everybody wants to have their cake and eat it. Capitalism and the religion of sustained economic growth got us into this mess. The solution? Capitalism and sustained economic growth. But of course! A little fire will put out that fire, and might cool the planet down at the same time. What's massively depressing about all this is that we will not change.
Government do not have the balls to tell people that they might have to do without more plastic tat, and they will still be carbon trading on-board G7 issue dinghies once the polar melt water is lapping at their knees. What we really need is a one world government to impose major reforms from the top. Where's the fabled Illuminati when you need them? Oh, that’s right, conspiracy nerds have scared them off. Nice going, poindexters!
The world's largest economy and polluter won’t buy any of this anyway. It's too much based on scientific evidence to be creditable. If you deny the existence of factually-based climate change, your political career gets a boost. If you deny the existence of a made-up sky daddy, it's curtains. We're so screwed.
As we all know, when a child does something bad, you have to reward them excessively so they don’t do it again. In the same way, we apparently need to sell climate change to the business world as an investable opportunity. Not everything is an opportunity. An environmental cataclysm is not an opportunity, Err...sounds a bit negative, Ed? Read the report, people. How did we get to this point?
Companies have been eating up resources, spewing out emissions and decimating the environment to the financial benefit of a few very rich people and yet they now demand to be paid to do something about it. Given that 99.9% of the world sees next to no benefit from these activities, shouldn't we just tell the rich to really, really feck off now? It’s more our planet than theirs, isn't it?
If you were stuck in a lift with a rich man and there was limited oxygen and he lit up a Havana cigar, wouldn't you tell him to put it out? No. Apparently you let him smoke the cigar and then give him your trousers to use as a face mask.
Besides, there are plenty of investment opportunities in green technologies – they’re just not happening. A British company called Novacem created a brilliant new kind of cement that actually captures carbon. It actually reverses global warming! It works! All they needed was an investment of £50 million. Did they get it? Did they balls. They went bankrupt and were bought up by a shadowy Australian investor, and have since gone quiet. Maybe they have been issued with a new range of exciting concrete overcoats and are spending their early retirements at the bottom of Sydney Harbor. Surely, we could have found £50 million! How much of our money was thrown at the banks?
Of course, it was Novacem's fault. They obviously didn't run their company well, and that’s the free market for you. If something fails, let it fail. Except the banks of course. They are TOO BIG to fail. Yes, when the economy is good, we’re all unregulated hyper capitalists. As soon as there is a hiccup, they come running back for a cuddle, some warm milk and the taxpayer’s blanket. Why bother turning up for work? They’ll get paid anyway.
Of course, global warming isn't bad news for everyone. Look at Greenland. Now that the ice has retreated, they have access to LOADS of oil and drilling companies are spending millions on decimating natural habitats and turning the landscape into Swiss cheese. On the plus side, we've got all this brand new oil. Sod renewables. We don’t need to bother, now. But what about the devastation that oil has created? No, it’s cool. We've found some more. A little booze will take the edge of that hangover. Leave it for now and worry about it later. You can do your homework on the bus to school.
Either all this is very serious and we take it seriously or it's not and we have a tire burning party. The world has thought about it, and seems to be going with the latter option. I say bring on the apocalypse! Let’s at least be positive about it.
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| Err...little help? |
The Green Party’s leader Caroline Lucas was on Radio 4 debating with some academic Johnny.
Lucas: "We need to mitigate and adapt."
Johnny: "You mean SHRINK THE ECONOMY???"
Lucas: "Well, there’s ...lots of green jobs that can be created."
Everybody wants to have their cake and eat it. Capitalism and the religion of sustained economic growth got us into this mess. The solution? Capitalism and sustained economic growth. But of course! A little fire will put out that fire, and might cool the planet down at the same time. What's massively depressing about all this is that we will not change.
Government do not have the balls to tell people that they might have to do without more plastic tat, and they will still be carbon trading on-board G7 issue dinghies once the polar melt water is lapping at their knees. What we really need is a one world government to impose major reforms from the top. Where's the fabled Illuminati when you need them? Oh, that’s right, conspiracy nerds have scared them off. Nice going, poindexters!
The world's largest economy and polluter won’t buy any of this anyway. It's too much based on scientific evidence to be creditable. If you deny the existence of factually-based climate change, your political career gets a boost. If you deny the existence of a made-up sky daddy, it's curtains. We're so screwed.
As we all know, when a child does something bad, you have to reward them excessively so they don’t do it again. In the same way, we apparently need to sell climate change to the business world as an investable opportunity. Not everything is an opportunity. An environmental cataclysm is not an opportunity, Err...sounds a bit negative, Ed? Read the report, people. How did we get to this point?
Companies have been eating up resources, spewing out emissions and decimating the environment to the financial benefit of a few very rich people and yet they now demand to be paid to do something about it. Given that 99.9% of the world sees next to no benefit from these activities, shouldn't we just tell the rich to really, really feck off now? It’s more our planet than theirs, isn't it?
If you were stuck in a lift with a rich man and there was limited oxygen and he lit up a Havana cigar, wouldn't you tell him to put it out? No. Apparently you let him smoke the cigar and then give him your trousers to use as a face mask.
Besides, there are plenty of investment opportunities in green technologies – they’re just not happening. A British company called Novacem created a brilliant new kind of cement that actually captures carbon. It actually reverses global warming! It works! All they needed was an investment of £50 million. Did they get it? Did they balls. They went bankrupt and were bought up by a shadowy Australian investor, and have since gone quiet. Maybe they have been issued with a new range of exciting concrete overcoats and are spending their early retirements at the bottom of Sydney Harbor. Surely, we could have found £50 million! How much of our money was thrown at the banks?
Of course, it was Novacem's fault. They obviously didn't run their company well, and that’s the free market for you. If something fails, let it fail. Except the banks of course. They are TOO BIG to fail. Yes, when the economy is good, we’re all unregulated hyper capitalists. As soon as there is a hiccup, they come running back for a cuddle, some warm milk and the taxpayer’s blanket. Why bother turning up for work? They’ll get paid anyway.
Of course, global warming isn't bad news for everyone. Look at Greenland. Now that the ice has retreated, they have access to LOADS of oil and drilling companies are spending millions on decimating natural habitats and turning the landscape into Swiss cheese. On the plus side, we've got all this brand new oil. Sod renewables. We don’t need to bother, now. But what about the devastation that oil has created? No, it’s cool. We've found some more. A little booze will take the edge of that hangover. Leave it for now and worry about it later. You can do your homework on the bus to school.
Either all this is very serious and we take it seriously or it's not and we have a tire burning party. The world has thought about it, and seems to be going with the latter option. I say bring on the apocalypse! Let’s at least be positive about it.
