Former 1 Direction heartthrob Zayne Malik has rather oddly accompanied me to go and get a heart transplant. Now, no offence to Zayne but I’d probably plump for a family member over the former X-Factor chart topper. I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I would secretly wonder what Zayne was up to. I know he now has empty days to fill but I don’t even know the guy. This feels inappropriate. That’s mostly why I’m nervous and actually him kissing me doesn’t help. He says he knows I’ll pull through FOR A FACT. What are you up to Zayne? What’s your angle?
Anyway, ‘I come out successful’. That sounds a bit casual for major surgery. Is this Snappy Snaps? Presumably they just popped the dicky ticker out and slapped a new one in. Plug in and play. No recovery time, no hospital bed for weeks. In, out and put the kettle on. The thing is, I’m pretty sure I’d have a fair idea where this heart was coming from. Presumably there’s an organ donor’s waiting list I would have had to be on. I’m not rich or in the mafia or anything Presumably I’ve been on that for a while. I don’t think I’d just turn up at the hospital on the off chance they had a heart on the go. “Not today mate. Try again tomorrow.” Either way, Zayn has disappeared, which is probably for the best. In future, I think I will take family with me for major surgery.
But what’s this? I’ve found a gift! Found? I’ve come out “successful” so I must be leaving the hospital. Has Malik just left it outside the operating theatre doors – potential tripping hazard – or concealed it in a hedge in the car park? And how long has it been sitting there getting damp in the rain or being swept around by cleaners? It all sounds unlikely to me. A bomb disposal would be all over that. Either way, there’s a little teddy bear and a “card shaped like a card” or, to abbreviate, “a card.” Such imagination that guy! “Hey babe” – bit weird – “Sorry I couldn’t be there for you after your operation” – don’t sweat it, actually. “But, I will always be in your heart. Forever.” Sounds a bit final, Zayn. A bit sinister. What can he mean?
I’m a bit weirded out by this so I ask the nurse and she says “Didn’t they tell you who the donor was?” FUCKING HELL! Zayn Malik gave me his heart. THAT’S FUCKED! Hang on! He was perfectly healthy when we went in together, so…the doctors killed him to get his heart? That’s definitely illegal. Even if he consented. I barely knew the guy. He must have been shitting miserable. Essentially he’s committed suicide really mawkishly. Oh God, that’s morbid. I’m not sure I want his boyband heart pumping twat-juice into my blood. I feel very sick. And also. Who the hell gets a teddy bear and a card-shaped card as their final token of sacrifice? You’ve got 10 million quid, mate. You could probably do better than Hallmark! I’m actually relieved he’s dead.
I’ve got a root canal next week and the McBusted Boys have asked to come with. They can all get fucked.
