Having a king or a queen is obviously a very silly state of affairs. Particularly a powerless one. They say they work hard: opening things, visiting places, shaking hands. It probably is a hectic schedule, but it's not really work. It's like a wealthy housewife organising a cocktail party. It's not really about putting bread on the table, it's more about where the flowers go.
| The second? More like Queen Elizabeth the Phwoarth! |
There's no danger for the monarchy any more. None of them will be killed in a cavalry charge, or beheaded by an angry parliament, they don't even seem set on abdication. They're turning into mild-mannered, media-savvy, perceptibly bored people who have to do a lot of standing around, congratulating people on growing vegetables. And they're getting older. So much older. The Queen is 87 and she could easily do another 15 years. Charles will be lucky to get a sniff of power before he's 80 and finally William might get in at 70! The days of pomp and circumstance and youthful regal splendor on coronation day are over. Now it'll be Stannah Stairlifts up to the throne as our new liege nods off during the ceremony, quietly unloading into a massive diamond-encrusted nappy. Some people want William to be the next king, to inject a bit of vigour into the proceedings, but frankly that's ridiculous. For one thing, the point about an absurd, anachronistic establishment is that you either do it properly or not at all. You can't just go chopping and changing as it suits you. For another thing, check out William's hair! Baldy! It's too late for him to be the dashing king. He has become another potato-headed royal. His pinup days are over. Centuries ago, the proud Clan O'Meara should have invaded England and taken the throne. Then my dynasty would be in power. Granted, there is a cruel whimsical streak in my family which would probably have morphed into despotism, but we do all have terrific, shiny hair.
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| Marrying Kate Middleton will not solve the Windsor baldness problem. He should have married Macy Gray. |
That's the problem though. You can't just go picking who you want to rule. Well, you can. It's called Elective Monarchy and in fact was quite big in the pre-Republic Rome, Serbia and a few other places, but it wouldn't work now. Now it would be called Britain's Got Monarchs or R-Factor and would be fronted by court jesters Ant and Dec and Simon Cowell would rig it to win anyway. Imagine that! King Simon I, the House of Cowell. Presumably he would take Davina McCall as his queen and they would buy the old BBC Television Centre and convert it into a mega-broadcasting palace where they would control all entertainment output, surrounded by guard dogs and laser towers and armour-plated ex-JLS members. And then we would get bored of his stupid face on our screens and yearn for repeats of Poirot and rise up, topple the mad king and have ourselves a good old fashioned beheading.
Wow! I hope that happens. Yes, let's do that.
The thing about Britain is that we already have a fully-fledged democratic system which reshuffles every election. We've had it for ages. In a world which changes at a nausea-inducing pace, there's something reassuring in having the continuity of a Head of State. Even a ceremonial one. Certainly, the President of the USA has a certain amount of ceremony, they have a range of vehicles second only to International Rescue and their own sitcom-style intro music with 'Hail to the Chief' but the idea of a President Brown or a President Cameron is just depressing. The world probably doesn't need another post-industrial Western Republic. If Scotland were to gain its independence, even bolshie rabble-rouser Alex Salmond wouldn't rush for a republic. Tourists wouldn't flock to the gates of Number 10 to marvel at the changing of the policemen as one takes over whilst the other goes off to get a cup of tea and update their facebook status.
| Look what Scottish independence could lead to! |
Better to stick with our regal pot plants. Certainly, we water them with taxpayers money and place them in exquisitely grand greenhouses, but the fruits of tourism, royal branding and olde-worlde prestige means that they more than pay for themselves. They may be enthroned benefit scroungers, but they manage to put in far more than they withdraw. Even without tourism and business deals, The Crown Estates brought in £230.9m to the Treasury last year and Queen only received £32.1m from the state. Not too shabby. It also means that we can forgo the monumental costs of farcical Presidential elections.
The idea of someone inheriting position or wealth simply by virtue of birth is obviously a ludicrous idea, but the Western world is a celebrity-obsessed plutocracy. George W Bush is the perfect example of how the feudal model still thrives in modern democracy. The knuckle-dragging blockhead would have been lucky to make Assistant Manager at a Texan branch of Taco Bell if it weren't for the clout of his father. Queen Elizabeth's ancestors weren't always monarchs. It took one particularly ambitious Norman duke to make an aggressive takeover bid of England PLC and the rewards were passed to his offspring. And so it goes on.
So for now, let's keep rolling out the bunting, raise a toast and request that a probably non-existent god intercedes on the part of an impotent figurehead. As John Lydon said: "God save the Queen, cos tourists are money...and butter is surprisingly creamy."
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