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| Doesn't even look like one. |
Dear Scientists,
In the 1950s you made one simple, binding promise: that by now we’d all be jetpacking our way through space hooking up with tasty martian tri-breasted lovelies. Now I don’t remember when this was actually agreed, but I’m pretty sure that was the gist of it, and I’m sure the man in the street would back me up on this. Now it’s 2014 and guess what? We’re still on stinking earth.
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| "Remember where we parked, guys. This planet." |
Now, we didn’t know we’d be here for much longer so obviously we’ve had a great time digging up all the resources and squandering them on tamagotchis and pogs and ipods, killing of all of the animals for lulz and doing shits straight into the sea. It’s been brilliant! No one told us we’d need to ration anything. Imagine how furious I was when you sent a radio-controlled car to Mars and expected us to get excited with the pictures! Are you f**king kidding me? Are you people all 14 years old? I should be stopping over at Mars on my ski trip to Neptune and hanging out with Kuato and his Resistance pals by now.
What the shit is this with you and your school science projects anyway? All I see you doing you doing is fannying about digging holes in Cern (doesn't work) and cancer (uncured) and sheep cloning (WE HAVE ENOUGH SHEEP AND THEY ALL LOOK CLONED ANYWAY!). Not one warp drive. Not a solitary ion cannon. Thanks a flippin bunch, science. You’ve dropped us RIGHT IN IT! When civilisation crumbles and it’s dog eat dog, you nerds are going to be on the end of some severe Chinese Burns – just like in the good old days before the internet upset the natural order of things.
Thanks
Ed O’Meara
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