Jurassic Disappointment

Scientists have discovered that the original statistical model used to calculate dinosaur mass is flawed, suggesting dinosaurs have been oversized, with dinosaurs like the Tyrannosaurus Rex only half the size previously thought....which is just typical! The only thing that’s kept me going all these years in this grim, boring, scaled-down world is the fact that there used to be these massive, monster fire-breathing lizards that went around fighting each other and sort of ripping flesh off each other and stuff and eating cavemen...now scientists have taken that away from me too. Do you know what the UK’s biggest predator currently is? Badgers. Crappy badgers... (muttering)

FX:

Jurassic Park style music. Roars of dinosaurs, bird song, the crashing of waves.

KEEPER:

Welcome to Dinosaur Park. The place where you can see real life dinosaurs thanks to dangerously frivolous genetic meddling.

TOURIST:

Wow! Look at the size of that dinosaur! How far away is that?

KEEPER:

No, it’s right in front of you. It’s really quite small.

TOURIST:

Is there some way we can get closer?

KEEPER:

Put your hand out. You can literally touch it.

TOURIST:

We’re going to have to take a jeep to get to that one. Must be MILES away.

KEEPER:

Look, dinosaurs weren’t that big ok? We miscalculated, and it seems that we’ve been overestimating for years to sensationalist effect. Happy?

TOURIST:

Well, not really. As an exclusive visitor to this resort, I don’t feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

KEEPER:

Oh piss off. All our rich clients have pulled out. The only reason you’re here is that you got the two-for-one offer when you bought a 12 pack of toilet paper, just like everyone else.

TOURIST:

I thought this was meant to be ‘Dinosaur Park’.

KEEPER:

Yeah, but we’re going to rename it due to a Trading Standards complaint. It’ll soon be called ‘Medium Sized Lizard Island’.

CUT TO:

FX:

Chilling music and the thudding footsteps and terrifying roar of a T-Rex a la Jurassic Park.

LAURA DERN:

Oh my God...Oh my God, it’s...tiny.

FX:

Squeaky mouse type noises.

JEFF GOLDBLUM:

Yeah, I think we left the PA on and it got close to the microphone. Sounded bigger than it was.

LAURA DERN:

Oh, I see. Yeah.

JEFF GOLDBLUM:

Does anyone have a cat basket we could put it in?