Would you smash it?

Richard Keys has been fired for asking "Would you smash it?" and mentioning that Jamie Reknapp would "hang out the back of it" whilst putting his feet up on the desk. 'It' being a female's vagina and 'smash' meaning to forcifully make love. Of course in the footballing fraternity, rape is as much part of the game as halftime oranges, but even there his comments have caused upset.

If I was Richard Keys' PR people I'd explain that he was totally taken out of context. SMASH being an acronym for "sensual massage and super hugs". If that failed I would say that Richie boy was only guilty of one crime: product placement. 'Smash' referring, of course, to the instant mashed potato mix popular in the 80s. "Would you smash it?" was merely a new campaign slogan. "I hear Louise Redknapp makes nice sausages and gravy. Would YOU smash it?"