Diluted Squash

Sportswear-clad kids who hang around in front of shopping precincts get a lot of stick from the police. They could avoid suspicion of wrongdoing by carrying around squash rackets. Then passing police would think, "Look at that large group of young squash enthusiasts enjoying a pre-game cider." Sports equipment generally helps your image, with the exception of baseball bats. They just make you look scarier. Sometimes it’s very subtle. A bag of golf clubs makes you look like a sportsman. A single golf club makes you look like a psychopath. Chav kids could do worse than hiring themselves a caddy.

My flatmate’s from Ethiopia. He’s a big, black bloke with dreadlocks. He looks like a rasta but he’s not much of a rasta. Last night we got stoned and listened to Dire Straites.

I was getting squash coaching in a café. The guy was explaining techniques to me. “Treat your squash racket like an extension of your arm” he said. Then I spilt my coffee.

Caddy required