The Patter of Tiny Feats…of Genius!

They’re London’s next generation of influentials. Ed O’Meara introduces the capital’s hottest 5 under-5s


Kristabooboo Smith
Fashion Designer, 3
Mixing classic Autumnal Parisian chic with deliciously bold flashes of vomited mashed carrot, Kristabooboo’s daring ensembles have been causing a stir on the catwalks of Europe. The terrible infant caused an uproar at London Fashion Week by crawling offstage midshow gurgling something about a cat. A brown cat.


Guy Agenda
Director of Radio 4, 3
A former presenter for T4, Agenda found himself fired on his third birthday for being “too old.” After a stunning reinvention, Guy went on to mastermind government reforms to the NHS and led product development on the i-Phone 5. Straight talking Agenda hopes to bring a “fresh feel” to the stuffy broadcaster. “Sure there are award winning documentaries, news reporting and dramas, but what about things about colourful shapes or singing animals or bubbles? I feel like we’re failing to win over a key demographic in a volatile marketplace.”

Really Lil Wayne
Rapper, 4
“I wanna bring hip hop back to the old school” demands Hackney-born rhymesmith Wayne Samuels. “Now it’s all about Kendrick Lamar and Joey Bada$$, but these so-called playaz have forgotten about true hip hop. Back in the day, there was mad authentic talent like Astro from X-Factor and Bradley form S-Club 7. I wanna take it back to that.”

Rhodesia Poppyseed Hopkins
Workhouse Trustee, 4 and a half
Daughter of controversial author and This Morning social commentator, Katie Hopkins, Rhodesia owes everything to her mother. “Without mum’s constant neglect and beatings I’d never be where I am today” she blubs into a soot-stained pauper’s smock. “She told me not to speak to poor people or the fat or to experience daylight, and she’d lock me in the coal cupboard whilst she sat on the landlord’s knee drinking port and cackling long into the night.” The young go-getter has quickly risen through the Workhouse ranks, now the chief scarer-awayer of large rats from the porridge stores. “My mum has instilled me with good, traditional Victorian values: hardwork, responsibility and making a name for yourself by appearing on reality TV and being a total shit.”

The Unborn Foetus of Jack Whitehall
Comedian, 0
Due to be born to two of the UK’s most powerful comedy agents, Whitehall rejects the idea that he’s only got where he is because of his parents. “I’ve been working hard at comedy since conception, and it’s just typical of the naysayers that they won’t give me the credit due. I’m due in December, and I’m just kicking the get out. Then I’ll prove them wrong.” The Star of 8 out of 10 Antenatal Classes is already slated to star alongside Taylor Lautner and Firstname Surname in Michael Bay’s newest big budget outing: “The Thing That Happened to Good Looking People in 3-D” Whitehall is sure that the casting people have made the right choice. “It was the part I was born to play…will be born to play.”

Women aren't funny. They're hilarious.

It’s tough being a white middle-class male. The main reason it’s tough is that you don’t have much to complain about. Middle-class white males are still the best paid and have the most opportunity. The fact that I have neither money or opportunity is entirely my own fault. Being a white middle-class male is also tough in comedy. White middle-class males still dominate the field. There’s a lot of us. To stand out from the crowd you either have to be really good (like Jack Whitehall) or absurdly well connected from birth (like Jack Whitehall). That said, you do at least start off at a comedy night on a level playing field. The crowd makes no particular judgement about what you might or might not talk about and the assumption is that there is a reasonable chance you’re going to be funny. There are lots of confident, white middle-class men on the TV being funny. So you might be one of them.

On a Friday night in front of a rowdy, drunken audience at the Chuckling Badger in Shitrag, Essex I’m very glad I’m not a woman. Because, even in this day and age, a fair percentage of the crowd will doubt if women are even funny. “She’s only going to come on and talk about her fackin period” will be going through more than one head, and not just male heads either. Weird that male comics can be expected to adopt any number of styles, and before a woman even hits the stage, it’s anticipated that she’s going to be Jo Brand circa 1988.

Unfunny man dressed as unfunny woman

But it’s not just above pubs in regional dives where misogyny dwells, even the national press aren’t altogether sure. Every six months or so, someone will write an article posing exactly that question, usually padded out with a cornflakes box psychologist saying that men have an evolutionary imperative to attract women, and so use humour. They will take a poll and most people will say that men are funnier than women, or humour isn’t seen as an attractive quality in a woman, or men have a certain curvature of the head which generates better quality jokes or other prejudicial fairytales. If men make more jokes in a social situation, it’s because they are expected to. If women make fewer jokes, it’s because they are expected to. Being funny isn't necessarily a gender thing.

The strange thing is that, on any given night on the UK circuit, female comedians are wildly more diverse than male comics. Ava Vidal is a sardonic doom monger, Lou Sanders is a surrealist loon, new act Saskia Preston does killer one-liners. Because there are usually so few female comics on a bill (partly because that’s how promoters book it, and partly because there are just fewer female comics) they are usually a breath of fresh air. Some people may dread that women will come on and talk about periods. I don’t. I dread that the next 20 something white middle class male will come on and do some inadvisable and ill-conceived material on rape or pedophilia or something being LITERALLY the funniest thing that ever happened, when it LITERALLY is not.

For me, the funniest comedy comes from the most desperate places. It isn’t the high status alpha males that make me laugh, it’s those people who are able to honestly and fearlessly show me something of their vulnerability, the fact that they aren’t always dealing with life as they should be, precariously skating the toilet seat of sanity. In that respect women have the jump on men. If emotional awareness and battling insecurities are the stuff of great comedy, women have it in the bag.

Park and Recreation's Leslie Knope

Two of the world’s greatest English-language comedic performers and writers of our times are women: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Fey is best known for her adorable, oddball Liz Lemon character on Thirty Rock (using the words adorable and oddball make me squirm, but here we are). Poehler as the idealistic yet borderline maniacal Leslie Knope on Parks and Recreation. Australia gifts us with the brilliant Jane Turner and Gina Riley of the hilarious Kath and Kim and Britain scoops bronze with accident-prone Miranda Hart. The future for female comedians is bright and once we can put baseless old prejudices to bed the ‘weaker sex’ may inevitably prove themselves to be the stronger performers.