They’re
London’s next generation of influentials. Ed O’Meara introduces the capital’s
hottest 5 under-5s
Kristabooboo Smith
Fashion Designer, 3
Mixing classic Autumnal Parisian chic with deliciously bold flashes of vomited mashed carrot, Kristabooboo’s daring ensembles have been causing a stir on the catwalks of Europe. The terrible infant caused an uproar at London Fashion Week by crawling offstage midshow gurgling something about a cat. A brown cat.
Guy Agenda
Director of Radio 4, 3
A former presenter for T4, Agenda found himself fired on his third birthday for being “too old.” After a stunning reinvention, Guy went on to mastermind government reforms to the NHS and led product development on the i-Phone 5. Straight talking Agenda hopes to bring a “fresh feel” to the stuffy broadcaster. “Sure there are award winning documentaries, news reporting and dramas, but what about things about colourful shapes or singing animals or bubbles? I feel like we’re failing to win over a key demographic in a volatile marketplace.”
Really Lil Wayne
Rapper, 4
“I wanna bring hip hop back to the old school” demands Hackney-born rhymesmith Wayne Samuels. “Now it’s all about Kendrick Lamar and Joey Bada$$, but these so-called playaz have forgotten about true hip hop. Back in the day, there was mad authentic talent like Astro from X-Factor and Bradley form S-Club 7. I wanna take it back to that.”
Rhodesia Poppyseed Hopkins
Workhouse Trustee, 4 and a half
Daughter of controversial author and This Morning social commentator, Katie Hopkins, Rhodesia owes everything to her mother. “Without mum’s constant neglect and beatings I’d never be where I am today” she blubs into a soot-stained pauper’s smock. “She told me not to speak to poor people or the fat or to experience daylight, and she’d lock me in the coal cupboard whilst she sat on the landlord’s knee drinking port and cackling long into the night.” The young go-getter has quickly risen through the Workhouse ranks, now the chief scarer-awayer of large rats from the porridge stores. “My mum has instilled me with good, traditional Victorian values: hardwork, responsibility and making a name for yourself by appearing on reality TV and being a total shit.”
The Unborn Foetus of Jack Whitehall
Comedian, 0
Due to be born to two of the UK’s most powerful comedy agents, Whitehall rejects the idea that he’s only got where he is because of his parents. “I’ve been working hard at comedy since conception, and it’s just typical of the naysayers that they won’t give me the credit due. I’m due in December, and I’m just kicking the get out. Then I’ll prove them wrong.” The Star of 8 out of 10 Antenatal Classes is already slated to star alongside Taylor Lautner and Firstname Surname in Michael Bay’s newest big budget outing: “The Thing That Happened to Good Looking People in 3-D” Whitehall is sure that the casting people have made the right choice. “It was the part I was born to play…will be born to play.”
Kristabooboo Smith
Fashion Designer, 3
Mixing classic Autumnal Parisian chic with deliciously bold flashes of vomited mashed carrot, Kristabooboo’s daring ensembles have been causing a stir on the catwalks of Europe. The terrible infant caused an uproar at London Fashion Week by crawling offstage midshow gurgling something about a cat. A brown cat.
Guy Agenda
Director of Radio 4, 3
A former presenter for T4, Agenda found himself fired on his third birthday for being “too old.” After a stunning reinvention, Guy went on to mastermind government reforms to the NHS and led product development on the i-Phone 5. Straight talking Agenda hopes to bring a “fresh feel” to the stuffy broadcaster. “Sure there are award winning documentaries, news reporting and dramas, but what about things about colourful shapes or singing animals or bubbles? I feel like we’re failing to win over a key demographic in a volatile marketplace.”
Really Lil WayneRapper, 4
“I wanna bring hip hop back to the old school” demands Hackney-born rhymesmith Wayne Samuels. “Now it’s all about Kendrick Lamar and Joey Bada$$, but these so-called playaz have forgotten about true hip hop. Back in the day, there was mad authentic talent like Astro from X-Factor and Bradley form S-Club 7. I wanna take it back to that.”
Rhodesia Poppyseed Hopkins
Workhouse Trustee, 4 and a half
Daughter of controversial author and This Morning social commentator, Katie Hopkins, Rhodesia owes everything to her mother. “Without mum’s constant neglect and beatings I’d never be where I am today” she blubs into a soot-stained pauper’s smock. “She told me not to speak to poor people or the fat or to experience daylight, and she’d lock me in the coal cupboard whilst she sat on the landlord’s knee drinking port and cackling long into the night.” The young go-getter has quickly risen through the Workhouse ranks, now the chief scarer-awayer of large rats from the porridge stores. “My mum has instilled me with good, traditional Victorian values: hardwork, responsibility and making a name for yourself by appearing on reality TV and being a total shit.”
The Unborn Foetus of Jack Whitehall
Comedian, 0
Due to be born to two of the UK’s most powerful comedy agents, Whitehall rejects the idea that he’s only got where he is because of his parents. “I’ve been working hard at comedy since conception, and it’s just typical of the naysayers that they won’t give me the credit due. I’m due in December, and I’m just kicking the get out. Then I’ll prove them wrong.” The Star of 8 out of 10 Antenatal Classes is already slated to star alongside Taylor Lautner and Firstname Surname in Michael Bay’s newest big budget outing: “The Thing That Happened to Good Looking People in 3-D” Whitehall is sure that the casting people have made the right choice. “It was the part I was born to play…will be born to play.”
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