Gun control in the USA will lead directly to a Mongolian invasion, everybody agrees.

Controversial new proposals to ensure that Americans don't arbitrarily fire rocket launchers into the air "for fun" may appear sensible from the outside but like a toffee apple or Jordan's breasts, something far more rotten and sinister lies beneath.

President Obama with his 'right hand man', 
Tsakhia Elbegdorj of Mongolia 

Barack Obama flew to Mongolia last Friday to begin clandestine talks with Tsakhia Elbegdorj, the Mongolian spelling mistake. Although the purpose of the exchange wasn't clear, furtive whispers were heard from the President's "Secrecy Yurt. No Girls Allowed" which included the words "zombie king", "stirrups" and "and."

So what can all this mean? Eminent Bullshitter at The Institute of Guesswork, Professor Spec O'Lation believes he has the answer, just now over dinner. "Everybody knows that China is soon to become the world's greatest power ending in 'A' but do you know else what ends in A? Mongolia? And is it just coincidence that Mongolians look a bit like Chinese people if you squint your eyes? And they certainly both do that" said the possibly racist academic. And that's not all. Once we'd bought him a milkshake, O'Lation split the beans. After we'd wiped his shirt clean, he told us more.

Professor Spec O'Lation's interests
include pork.

"The King's Speech was one of the biggest box office draws in 2010. It's like we were being prepared to accept a new King George. That was King George the sixth. Simple mathematics shows us that it would be half as easy to like King George the third." The pieces started to fall into place. Once the professor had finished the puzzle we'd bought him, he returned to the subject in hand.

"As everyone knows, the second amendment to the constitution was created specifically to guard against a resurgent King George. Well, now we have one. On Wikipedia it said that cloning technologies may well be close to resurrecting dead European kings (citation needed) so what if the Mongolians plan to invade the USA and re-install zombie king George III on the throne?" I had to ask: "And stirrups?" "Yes please. But only on the side of my pancakes."

Professor O'Lation's case is a compelling, and he's not alone in believing it to be the case. Over 9 out of 10 Americans surveyed refused to talk to us. So why the secrecy? Why are they so hoarse?

A Mongolian Horse Archer showing off.

The answer could lie in Mongolian Horse (sounds the same) Archers. According to a recently repeated documentary on The History Channel that we fell asleep in front of in our hotel room, The Mongolian Horse Archer was the unstoppable war machine of its day. In less than two generations, the Mongols controlled an empire that stretched from the Chinese pacific almost up to the then European Atlantic (based in Turkey). In the end, the dominance of the Horse Archer was ultimately stopped by firearms. And later, by....guns.

So could the gun controls actually be a devious plan to remove the last obstacle between the crushing of American freedoms under the hooves of a zombie King George led Mongolian invasion. When we asked robot Professor Stephen Hawking about something else, his answer was astounding. He simply said: "Yes." 

But can these seemingly unconnected pieces of misinformation sellotaped together really be enough to form a Pulitzer Prize winning masterpiece? The answer, dear reader, is yours to decide...

...but yes. Obviously.